How do I help ease the pain?

[crazyforcook]

I am sorry if this is in the wrong thread, but I just need to talk today. I'm sure some of you already know that my MIL passed away from Hodgkins Lymphoma in August. It has been almost two months now and I think the heartbreak has really set in for my husband. Throughout her illness and passing he was very strong for his Dad and his little brother, but now he is so sad all the time. It breaks my heart to see him this way and I would love to know how to help him feel better. I lost my Dad in 99 so I know the pain he feels and that it takes a long time to get through the worst of it. It never really goes away, but it does get easier over time. Maybe I'm not the person who can help him because my heart is still broken too. Does anyone know what I can say or do to help him? We are so close and when I see him this way it just tears me up inside. I have told him it's ok to cry and miss her because we loved her so much, but it seems like I just haven't been able to say all the right words that he needs to hear.

[Chris]

ahhh, I'm sorry I know we have another person on here who's directly dealt with Hodgkins. I guess the most advice I can lend is just be there for him.

[callie]

First off, I'm so sorry for your loss. My husband lost his mom to lung cancer quite a few years ago. We had been married for a year and half. He spent the last six weeks of her life by her side. It was the hardest thing that our marriage has had to survive. She lived 3 hrs away and I was left behind. I don't begrudge him that time. I'm happy that he had was able to share those last weeks with her.

I'm not sure that there are right words to say. Or any words for that matter that can ease the pain. Unfortunately, the pain is something that he has to feel and work through. For my husband, I would just hold him and let him cry. I'm talking heartbreaking, tear your heart out crying.

[JoJo]

I'm terribly sorry for your loss. I have no answers. My husband's father committed suicide ... therefore, that is a totally different reaction than something of this magnitude. btw ... my husband is a different soul. I watched him shed one tear over his dad and when his sister had a massive asthma attack, he worked her all the way to the hospital and didn't shed any. (She passed, we adopted her 4 kids so that I have 6 total. I know that I still miss her and keep thinking that she I will see her, but I know in my heart that she is in a better place and not fighting to breathe anymore.)

I'm not telling you this to trump your story either ... just letting you know that I have no way of knowing how to help. I wish there was something that I could tell you that would help you but the best advice is to be there for him. That's all that anyone can do. Everyone handles grief so differently that I don't think that there is a solution to that problem. Time will pass, the hurt will subside, but I don't think that it will ever go away completely. I know that it hasn't for me yet.

[callie]

Oh, crazyforcook, please don't think I was trying to one up you. I just want you to know that I can relate to your pain.

[budgie]

I am really sorry for your loss. It is such a hard time to go thru. I never thought I would get over the loss of my little brother. I was so lucky to have my husband by my side. We were not married then - we had only been together a few months, but his support for more was unwavering. He didn't need to say or do anything in particular - he was just there. I am sure you will be there for your husband in the same way. Nothing will ever take the pain away, but your loving presence by his side will help keep him steady.

[MTCougar]

I am so sorry for your loss crazyforcook. There are no easy answers. Everyone grieves in their own way. Just be there for him. Listen to him. Hold him. Give him a hug for no other reason than to give him a hug. Don't be afraid to talk about your MIL around him. Maybe it will help him through it as well as you. Encourage him to share some of his childhood memories with you. Know too that we are here for you if you need to talk. Huge hugs for you and your family.

[crazyforcook]

Thank you all for your kind words. It means so much to me that you all care enough to offer your advice. I finally got to sit down and talk to John and let him know that it's ok for him to feel this way. He was trying so hard to hold it all in and be strong around us. I think he had done that so much lately that it was about to drag him down even more. On top of that, last week he had his first birthday without his mom. So, that made it even harder for him. I told him that if he needed to cry he should. He needs to get those feelings out so he can feel better. Sometimes I still have to stop what I am doing and grieve for her. It still seems like the last year has been a complete nightmare that we're all waiting to wake up from. But, somehow I know we will get through it with time and the love of our family.

[patrick076]

alas ! I am really very sad to read this